If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
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I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Every work call, he judges.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
As the Lord intended
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue