Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
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‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…