Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
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The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Bruh PLEASE
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.