Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
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2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Very good news from my accountant
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.