What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
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Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
It be like that sometimes 😆
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.