Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
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*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.