When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
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I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
pictures of spider-man
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
what it’s like dating me:
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Life with a cat in one tweet
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week