To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
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Not all heroes wear capes…
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
me: my friends:
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.