I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
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Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Owl Sanctuary
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.