Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
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Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Word!
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
This is enough internet for the day.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
it must be school picture day
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Name another movie that mislead you?
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.