[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
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Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Damn he played himself
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.