Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”