The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
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I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
My last name is Zilla.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Florida man
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Smile they said.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.