If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
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*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.