Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
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You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
black phone good
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I am all good here, 😂😉
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us