Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
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It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.