There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
You Might Also Like
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
TODAY
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
*pokes sex life with a stick
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
That’s amazing.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.