Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
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Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up