Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
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she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
❤️🦆
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again