Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
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Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”