Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
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INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.