Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
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Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Saint West, the patron of selfies
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire