Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
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My safe word is Worcestershire
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?