[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
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Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Perfect
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!