My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
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I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]