Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
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Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”