The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
You Might Also Like
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
#dnd #ttrpg
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.