Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
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In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Pickled cat.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob