Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
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The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe