Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
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I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
This could’ve been an email.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.