[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
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What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
*Inspirational Tweets*
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
October already? What’s next? November????
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble