watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
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When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!