(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
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*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*