My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
You Might Also Like
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
President The Rock Obama
put ‘er there pardner!
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
What
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend