[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
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Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Harsh but fair
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.