Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
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Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Selfie
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Facebook Twitter
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.