Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
You Might Also Like
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.