* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
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Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.