The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
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Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I triple waxed for this?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying