I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
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I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations