Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
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me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
You got this…
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.