My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
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I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
From my Mom
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
hey, alexa
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.