My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
early stone age tool
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not