Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
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A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT