I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
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“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
just leave it at the foot of the bed
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.