A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
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When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep