Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
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Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.