My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
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Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience