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My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships