“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
You Might Also Like
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
*frowns in Scottish*
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat